Last night, I thought about suicide. Not so much considering suicide as pondering it, looking for the least painful way to do the job.
I was leaning toward asphyxiation until I realized that I don’t have a car OR a gas stove, and don’t have access to noxious chemicals… Hanging is popular, but I don’t know what to hang FROM. Or, for you grammar police, I don’t have anything from which to hang.
Or rope, for that matter.
Anyway! As I was lying in bed pondering, I heard a skittering sound coming from my recycling bin… skitter. Skitter skitter. Rustle. Skitter.
I’ll spare you the graphic details; the skittering was caused by a centipede. I killed it, while screaming, shaking, and sobbing “I’m sorry! I’m sorry!” all at once.
As I explained in “The Walls Are Alive…” I have a deathly fear of big, ugly bugs. When I realize that there are large crawlies roaming my tiny apartment, I really DO want to hang myself.
Last night I realized that insects/arachnids are the ONLY thing that ever makes me doubt the existence of God. War, famine, disease, hatred… eh, we often bring those things upon ourselves. But a CENTIPEDE? In my HOUSE? Could a loving God do that to His children???!
I spent most of my night sobbing and shaking. I’d PLANNED to write a paper on Vocal Pedagogy, but I hadn’t counted on a MONSTER invading my boudoir.
What a life. I’m empty, painfully lonely, malnourished, barely scraping by, struggling in school, can’t sleep at night… AND my face is breaking out.
Friends, Romans, Countrymen; lend me your rope.
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May 1, 2008 at 12:08 pm
mum
You might consider hanging the centipedes instead of yourself….you could use yarn instead of having to invest in a rope
Their life sucks worse than yours anyway, and you seem to do more good in the world. They’d probably be glad for the chance to be reborn as almost anything else.
May 1, 2008 at 2:30 pm
snailmeister
I would have to touch them. I would very nearly rather hang myself than pick up a centipede. Very nearly.
May 1, 2008 at 10:15 pm
Sheri
hahaha. I’m marking this paragraph to show to my husband when he gets home from work tomorrow:
“Last night I realized that insects/arachnids are the ONLY thing that ever makes me doubt the existence of God. War, famine, disease, hatred… eh, we often bring those things upon ourselves. But a CENTIPEDE? In my HOUSE? Could a loving God do that to his children???!”
CHOICE, that’s what it is. Pity it’s too long to embroider on a pillow…
May 2, 2008 at 2:27 am
James!
I also hate bugs.
I recall waking-up super early one morning when I still lived in Loogootee.
It was around 2:15am as I recall it. I had fallen asleep in my clothing the night before, which was not all that odd for a boy in 7th grade.
As I lurched slowly into semi-awareness I became aware of the discomfort caused by falling asleep in a weird position wearing several layers of clothing. There was only one thing to be done. Pajama Time!
I rolled off the side of the bed, placing my feet on the musty old carpeting that covered the floor of the back bedroom. I pulled my hoodie and extra torso layers off over my head. It felt good to be wearing only one shirt. Looking inches from my bed I found my sleeping shorts on the floor near the heat register, which is right where I had left them. I kicked my pants off as stood-up, my form still hunched and tired, trying with all my might to convince myself that I wasn’t really awake. This method of mental denial is also great for mid-night bathroom trips. Sluggishly I slipped my feet into my shorts. The shorts felt clammy and strange, much like the floor on which they had lay since the previous morning. With the slightest of hopping motions I pulled my cotton shorts into place. Something felt wrong.
I looked down to check if I had them on backwards…
Much to my horror, I saw fifteen to twenty large black water beetles fall from inside the legs of my jammies! EWWWW!!!! As I danced the icky-dance like a man gone mad the bugs flowed swiftly down my legs and into the near-by heat-vent. As soon as I regained my momentarily misplaced marbles I began attempting to stomp them into oblivion. Most of them got away. I won’t lie. I was way to grossed-out at first to make an effective counter-strike.
Stoopid water bugs.
For those of you not in the know- the water beetles in question look vaguely like a peanut sized cockroach with a deep noir hue. Some of them grow to about the size of a big toe in length. I have never encountered bugs of this magnitude outside of Martin county Indiana and I strongly suspect that the entire village of Loogootee was built upon their shiny black backs. A vile phalanx of insect Atlases as it were.
May 2, 2008 at 6:25 am
snailmeister
An epic tale, James. Good work.
I remember this incident, amazingly. I think that house in Loogootee is where my deathly fear of bugs began, I don’t remember any prior incidents.
I DO remember staying up late one night reading Louisa May Alcott’s “Eight Cousins” in that back bedroom, once it became mine. I lay the book on the floor for a minute to free up my hands for something…
… and when I picked up the book again, six or seven water bugs came tumbling out of the spine and into my bed. AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!
I never slept again.
May 2, 2008 at 9:49 am
Ming
I was telling mom yesterday how much I’m grossed out by the spiders with the big bulbous butts, and that I was always afraid I’d pop one and spider-goo would asplode all over. She not-too-reassuringly informed me that their butts are not full of goo, but teeny-weeny baby spiders and if I popped one tiny spiders would asplode all over. I stopped feeling itchy a half hour or so later, and then she casually pulled a tick off of her body and tossed it out the car window. that woman has a stomach of cast-iron, I swear.
If a GIANT centipede were in a position to step on you, it would do so without hesitation, possibly dozens of times, all with different gross feet, so I wouldn’t feel bad.
Also, bugs are necessary. Otherwise we’d have to deal with carrion and dead skin cells and things ourselves instead of the bugs taking them away. Thank you, bugs! But still, I don’t want them in the house either.
Remember the pancake-eating rat on Hwy 140?
May 2, 2008 at 10:45 am
Jenni
After associating with you these many moons, I’ve recently realized that I am now creeped out by insects.
Not that I was overly fond of them before, but they seem much scarier now. I think your blogs may be a shade too descriptive…
We have “waterbugs” here in Missouri too. At least, we Missourians CALL them waterbugs. They look exactly like gigantic cockroaches–because, get this, THEY ARE gigantic cockroaches. No getting around it.
This is a classic case of attempting to skew reality through semantics. Interesting that midwesterners all the way from Missouri to Indiana have insisted on denying reality by naming them “waterbugs”!
May 2, 2008 at 12:17 pm
snailmeister
Ming, I remember hearing about the rat, but only vaguely. Jog my memory?
Jenni, I’ll have to write a ‘brainwashing’ blog all about how I realized that bugs are just my little crawly friends that want to cuddle with me, and how I’ve opened my heart and accepted them. Think it’ll fly?
We have “waterbugs” here, too. I believe them to be small roaches, but I’ll never convince Ian.
May 2, 2008 at 12:19 pm
James!
Jenni- I KNOW! I totally insisted for years that they were ‘roaches.’ Much to the shame of my fellows. “Sorry about James, they don’t have waterbugs where he’s from.” But they are! They are roaches! Only bigger and uglyer then the ones you see on television.
LOL! I remember seeing the mtv movie Joes Appartment when it came out. It was strage because so many people i knew were like ‘eww all those roaches!’ And I was unimpressed because those bugs had nothing what so ever on the Waterbugs I had encountered so many times in Indiana.
Ming- I remember the 140 rat. Mom swore up and down that it was a little mouse. So one night she smeared a pancake with PB and waited to get a peek at it. I can only imagine her shock when the whole pancake vanished in a single swoop. YEEP!
May 2, 2008 at 12:21 pm
snailmeister
Mwahahaha! Great story!
May 2, 2008 at 4:53 pm
Jenni
High five James. If it’s shaped like a roach, skitters like a roach, hides in dark corners like a roach… then by God, it’s a roach. Way to call it.
May 3, 2008 at 1:57 am
Ming
They had “Water bugs” in Texas, too. I think that (there, anyway, can’t speak for everywhere) it wasn’t all denial that led to this moniker. they did not actually reside in our apartment all the time, but during especially dry spells, they would come indoors seeking moisture. I only ever found them in the tub or around the sink. Had I found them in my pajamas whilst wearing them, I probably would have died on the spot, spontaneous combustion or the like. The water bugs in Texas looked like big roaches, and during the rainy season they didn’t bother us at all. I just googled water bugs on google images, and I’m telling you now - DON’T DO IT. My hair itches and breakfast is gonna have to be postponed for a while. Much like I feel magnifying mirrors should be outlawed, I think there should be a law about how big pictures of bugs can be.
May 3, 2008 at 1:58 am
Ming
O, and I third the motion that they’re just roaches. I calls ‘em like I sees ‘em.
May 3, 2008 at 3:25 am
Jenni
Thanks for your (well informed!) vote, Ming.
Rebekah, your entire family has uncommon good sense. Kudos to you all.
May 3, 2008 at 4:12 am
snailmeister
Ming, I WAS going to do an image search for roaches and waterbugs. Noooo idea why, must have been a death wish— but your comment stopped me. Thank you.
May 4, 2008 at 4:56 pm
Jay-Meister
One of the grossiest things I ever saw:
This guy I knew in Texas had a bag of birdseed in a closet next to his front door. He had left it there for eons and eons, and flat out forgot about it. One day he had a big party that I attended at his house, and during all the fun and games someone randomly said “Hey, did you hear something? It sounds like a trickling sound.”
We listened to the walls, the floor, and all around. Our ears led us to the fore mentioned closet… and we were all scared. We opened the door and saw nothing. All that was there was the bag of birdseed, a couple of books, and a board game (if memory serves correctly). One of the party members poked the bag and a cockroach skittered out of it. After that, another party member pushes everyone aside and yells “Gang way!!! Clear the path!!!”
He grabs the bag of birdseed and dashes right out the front door. Everyone else at the party had that “What the fark is he doing?” look their faces. He bolts out the door, gets about half-way in the front yard, and chunks the bag over is head… which flew about 20 ft. in the air, and plummeted into the street. As soon as the bag hit the road, about (and this is a rough guestimate) a GAZILLION cockroaches skittered out of it, filling the street in front of the host’s house.
Seriously, this was like nothing I had ever seen. It’s like in fantasy movies where the bad guy finally gets knocked off at the end, and turns into a million bugs that dissipate in all directions because he/she was made of pure evil and stuff. After I saw all those cockroaches skitter about in the dimly lit streetlight, I ran back inside, drank a beer or two or three (maybe four or five, but who’s counting?) in a matter of 15 minutes, and decided that I needed to go home… fast… really fast.
Bugs = Ucky. If someone were to ask me “Would you rather be shot in the side, or experience what Indiana Jones did in the Temple of Doom with all those bugs?”… I’d say:
Load yer gun up.
May 5, 2008 at 9:04 am
snailmeister
A good story, well told! Soooo nasty. I’m with you on the Indiana Jones thing, no doubt.
May 5, 2008 at 1:21 pm
James!
yeah, Indy style all the way.
I dinnah doo tha bhugs.
May 5, 2008 at 5:27 pm
Anonymous
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Waterbug - a disambiguation page. It appears as though the roaches have it. And thanks for the fascinating, though huzzy evening read.
Though there is actually a “giant water bug” that appears to not be related to the roach (not even the same order) and is eaten in Thailand (yum) Jenni, you can call it food storage.
Doesn’t really look like a roach, either. Looks like a cicada or one of those leaf bugs.
May 6, 2008 at 3:09 am
snailmeister
Good work, Anonymous! Now all I have to do is print this and casually leave it somewhere Ian will see it…
Leaf-looking bugs are kind of cute.
May 6, 2008 at 11:22 am
Sheri
Well Westrum, I’m sitting here trying to figure out how the CRAP you posted a message tomorrow. (May 6, 2008) See? it says right above your name on your last post.
I think having control of the future during the present is a skill I would like to possess. So tell me all your secrets. Now.
May 6, 2008 at 11:23 am
Sheri
GASP!!!! I DID IT TOO!!!
LOOK! It says right there! MAY 6!!!
May 6, 2008 at 12:03 pm
Sheri
Oh stink. I just realized that I wrote the word “crap”, which you hate, on your website. Which means you will hate me forever.
*please note my tasteful use of the word “stink” in this comment*
May 6, 2008 at 3:04 pm
snailmeister
I will never hate you, Sheri.
The clock on my blog is waaaay too complicated for me, so it’s probably eight or nine hours fast. Hence my amazing ability to live in the future.
May 7, 2008 at 1:17 am
James!
And here I’ve been trying to live in the moment…
Bah, Rebekah out-does me again!
Way to raise that bar, kiddo.
May 8, 2008 at 12:05 pm
snailmeister
You have much to learn, Grasshopper.
May 10, 2008 at 5:13 am
Deleen
anonymous was me … Deleen. Why can’t I have a name?
May 10, 2008 at 6:14 am
bruunhilda@hotmail.com
I like it that I have a green snowflake attached to my name where the picture should be. Green snowflakes are cool.
May 10, 2008 at 4:31 pm
Anonymous
Oh that’s what that is? !
Hey how about a post on “how life has changed since my hair has changed?”
May 11, 2008 at 7:07 am
snailmeister
Deleen— Whoo HOO, good to see you here! I haven’t told Ian about “water bugs” yet, I’m waiting for the right moment.
Jen— I like the pictures, too. They’re a recent thing, I never saw them until a week or so ago…. do you get to CHOOSE a picture, or is one randomly assigned to you?
Anonymous— You got it! Comin’ right up.
May 11, 2008 at 11:42 pm
Anonymous
Actually I’m retracting that suggestion. Make it “how I (stress the I) have changed in the past year, or since my head was shorn”
- or something like tht.
the pictures are assigned it seems!
May 12, 2008 at 9:31 am
snailmeister
I figured that’s what you meant. It’s still in the works.
May 12, 2008 at 9:36 am
snailmeister
By the way Anonymous— who are you?